Float

The school year has officially started, but that doesn’t mean hot girl summer has to end. Whether you spent your break sipping $3 margaritas in Tahiti or working several soul-sucking eight-hour shifts at Target, it’s never too late to whip out your best swimsuit and expose your untanned ass to the world. With the University of Montana conveniently located near the Clark Fork River, why drive or walk to class when you can float? That’s right bitches, it’s time to pump up your best tubes and take a float to the stars.

LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22): Pink is your color, so naturally you decide to ride an inflatable flamingo down the river like it’s your noble steed. You’ve earned yourself the reputation of a knight in a shiny swimsuit, saving drunk people who fall out of their tubes and jousting your enemies with a pink pool noodle.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): You went to one sex shop and now you can’t help but take your inflatable side piece Felicia everywhere with you. She may not be the best floaty, but every time she deflates you get the chance to give her mouth-to-mouth. Maybe next time consider getting something more reliable to float on … or a therapist.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): You have a thirst for adventure…and alcohol. You shotgunned so many beers you decided to just make a pack raft out of them. Now, not only are you incredibly hammered, but so are the fish.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): You decided to take a whitewater raft down the Clark Fork. Not because you’re scared of rapids, but because your overachieving ass needs to be ahead of everyone else. Fun? Pfffffttt fuck that.

AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18): You fear a river monster may emerge from the Clark Fork to eat your ripe, red tush, so you decide to band together with your fellow Aquarians and form a 15-tube float raft. You don’t care if you clog the river. Fuck them fish and fuck them floaters too.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): As the sign ruled by Neptune, you’re Aquaman. The fish carry you down the river like you’re royalty. Just pray your float doesn’t turn into something reminiscent of “The Shape of Water.” No one wants to see you kissing fishy lips.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Being the unprepared person you are, you forgot to bring your tube. None of your friends bought an extra, so naturally, what did you decide to do? Pop their tubes. If you can’t float, NO ONE CAN.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): You like to keep it basic. The rare time you do float, you rent one of those black donut floaties from Ace Hardware. Basic, but you could care less as long as you’re covered in 15 layers of sunscreen. Is that you, Edward?

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): You have no shame. You don’t need a floaty. Hell, you don’t even need a swimsuit. You enjoy the feeling of people gazing at your bare bum, and the feeling of it getting torn apart by jagged rocks. Just pray the fish don’t start confusing it for bait.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): You spent most of your summer pumping iron, so you decided the best way to show off your guns is by taking an inflatable kayak down the Clark Fork. Unfortunately for you, the rapids are not nearly as gnarly as you imagined, but you can always scream WEEEEEEE, biceps flexing, as you go down the class one rapid near the Jacobs Island Dog Park.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Nothing screams attention like riding a literal bear down the Clark Fork. They’re warm, they’re cuddly, and they keep people away from your float party. Just don’t give the bear too many White Claws or it might start seeing the floaties as human-filled donuts.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22): As someone born with a silver spoon where the sun don’t shine, you’ll settle for nothing less than luxury on your float down the Clark Fork. Live music, fine wine, dinner and a boat the literal size of the cruise ship are all you need. It’s nothing much really, just don’t let your foot touch the river water (people piss in there).

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